Grateful is Different than Pride

It has been 25 years since the ship I was stationed on departed for the Persian Gulf. Seems so real and close but still so far away.

NOW, I hear certain people in my life tell me, "You should be proud. Proud that you served in our Military. Stand up and accept it."  I do not like those words sometimes. Because at one time there was a then.

THEN, not knowing we would soon be leaving for the Persian Gulf, I had just been attacked on base not to many months before (Even now I have trouble saying the "R" word).  I had spent the most part of those months sheltering myself on board the ship, barely leaving. I made decisions that would affect me the rest of my life. I just wanted to forget. I thought about suicide, developed an eating disorder, partook in self destructive behavior. You name it...I did it. Wanting to forget that I had trusted someone that should have been considered a brother in arms, but yet betrayed every trust and hint of protection that I was taught to believe existed.

When we found out we were leaving for a war zone,  I welcomed it as a way to forget about the personal hell that I was putting myself through at the time.  It was a way to escape the inside of my mind and forget who I was if even for just for a little bit.  So, I don't think that pride is a good choice of words to celebrate the things that I did.

Now these many years later, I have learned to deal with some of the things that happened. Not Pride but instead I feel GRATITUDE. I am grateful that I was given the honor of serving with some of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor of knowing. I am grateful that I felt the presence of so many men and women who gave more than I could ever possibly imagine. I am grateful for those who continue to serve to protect us and our freedoms. 

This means Veterans Day for me is a little different than it may be for some. I have a hard time thinking of it as "Happy" Veterans Day. I am sure there are others that feel this way as well.  The next sentence you read may shock you....but I am Grateful that I was attacked on base that night. I have struggled with what I could have done, should not have done or any other scenario you can image in my head over the years. Discovering that servicemen like the one that attacked me that dark night were actually few and far between. I have learned most military men and women were those of honor. Trying to heal I have made friends and met other Veterans who have touched my life beyond words. I am reminded that there are Veterans that suffer from things that even I may never understand. I am grateful for them, but we are forever changed. 

So if there is a Veteran out there just wants to talk...I am here to listen. Saying Thank you is just not enough.  All these years I think I just wanted to get some things off my mind. We all have our served our "own stories". I am GRATEFUL for you fellow service members. Maybe one day I will heal enough to say that I am proud.